User blog:High Prince Imrahil/Imrahil's LotR Parodies!

---Making Tolkien roll over in his grave since 2016---

AT THE GATES OF MORIA

Gandalf sat thoughtfully before the mighty gates of Moria, that towered into the mists above.

"C'mon!" shouted Pippen "You're the most powerful good mage in Middle-Earth, and you can't even read elven??"

"Uh... my high school Eldar is a bit rusty..." said Gandalf bashfully "I paid more attention in Fireworks 104 then in Eldar 101, I'm afraid... Besides, Sauruman was always scoring better then me in that class. You know, one time he stole my essay on The Battle of Unnumbered Tears and passed it off on his own!"

"Thank you, Mithrandir, we're all very interested in your high school stories" said Aragorn, rolling his eyes "but presently, can you just tell us what this freaking door says?? We've got a pack of wargs not far behind us, and we're no closer to getting in then before."

"Uh..." Gandalf's forehead scrunched up thoughtfully "I think it's.... 'Speak Pinapple and Enter'."

"What?!" exclaimed Legolas "That doesn't even make sense!"

"Well maybe you could come up with a better trainslation, elf!" said Gimli

"I bet I could, you half-witted son of a goblin!"

"RAAAAAAAAAAARG!!"

Gimli pounced on Legolas, while all else sat in thoughtful silence.

"I think it's..." began Gandalf "'Wassup man, if you wanna get in, you gotta talk ta me, homie, 'n go on in."

Pippin sudenly lit up

"Gandalf!" he shouted excitedly "What's the elven term for "homie"?"

Gandalf's brow furrowed

"I... I don't think there is one" he said "The elves a very formal race. I think the only insult you can translate to the elvish is "idiot" which ruffly translates to Mithrandir- waaaaaaaait a minute...."

Merry lept from his seat

"I have a great idea, Gandalf! Why don't we just batter the door down with Pippin's head?"

"Excellant suggestion, Merridoc!" said the wizard

"Let's not be hasty!" shouted Pippin, inching a little further from the gathering

As one, they lifted up Pippin, as Gandalf shouted an incantation

"That should probably protect your head, young hobbit" said the wizard

"Probably?!" screamed Pippin

The charged towards the doors, and Aragorn suddenly shouted "mellon!"

The doors flung open, sending the entire group flying through them, and collapsing in a heap. The deep chuckle of Aragorn filled the air

"I knew the whole time" he said, shrugging "I just thought it would be a funny practical joke."

Gandalf had his head in his hands

"No more mirivor for you, son of Arathorn."

It was going to be a long journey through the dark...

TUBAS IN THE DEEP

"What the heck is that sound??" said Aragorn, lurching awake

They had fallen asleep in a room just off the tomb of Balin. But now there were some odd noises coming from below...

"Is that... an orchistra??" said Pippin, squinting

"It would appear so" said Gandalf "The orcs have been known to be excellant musicians when time allows. They're probably just practicing their fight song."

"Fight song??" said Frodo

"Yes..." replied Gandalf "It goes something like... 'we're the fighting goblins, hurrah! Hurrah!'... it can be quite intimidating when sung with both the bass and tenor places."

Legolas shook his head

"I don't think so, Mithrandir. The sounds we hear now sound nothing like the goblin fight song... it sounds more like... the theme from 'Rocky'??"

"I thought 'Eye of the tiger' was the theme for Rocky" said Merry

"No, young Meridoc" said the wizard "That was the theme song for Rocky II. The theme song for Rocky was 'gonna fly now'."

"Yeah" said Aragorn "I think maybe that's our cue to leave... something about a chorus of orcs singing 'gonna fly now' doesn't agree with me."

"No argument here, son of Arathorn!" shouted Gandalf

WITCHYPOO

The Witch King rolled his eyes. He wished he could facepalm, but he didn't really have a palm... or a face, for that matter. The best he could do was shake his invisable head.

"Really" continued Khamul "How'd you get stuck with the name "Witch-King?? I mean really, who calls a fierce warrior a woman???"

"Not all witches are women..." said The King defensively

"Name me one" said Khamul

The Witch King started to raise an invisable hand

"Besides yourself" intirrupted Khamul

The Angmarian lowered his hand with a heavy sigh

Presently, there were hoofbeats on the path. Herumor had apparently decided to join the gathering.

"What's up, guys?" he said, dismounting his black steed

"Witchypoo was about to tell me how he got his name..."

"Witchypoo??" said Herumor with a grin

"Oh Morgoth, please don't call me that" said The Witch King with anguish

"Whatever you say, Witchypoo" came the voice of Baranor, who had appeared from the bushes

"Seriously!" declared the Angmarian king "If you don't stop it, I'm telling Sauron!"

"Go ahead" said Herumor, rolling invisable eyes

Within a few seconds, they were standing in front of the massive black armour of Sauron.

"This better be good" said the Dark Lord, a hint of annoyance to his voice

"They were calling me 'Witchypoo!!" exclaimed the Angmarian

"Witchypoo??" said Sauron, sounding like he was barely containing a laugh beneath his black helm

"Yes!" declared The Witch King, unaffected "How am I supposed to take Gondor with a name like that?!"

"Maybe you could start going out in a pink dress instead of black robes" suggested Khamul

"And maybe use a white horse" added Baranor

"Yeah, go out in what you're wearing now, your libal to scare a child or two" chipped in Herumor

Even Sauron was chuckling. The Witch-King had never heard Sauron laugh before. This was probably a bad sign.

Sauron stared down at the Nazgul in mock-seriousness

"Which one of you came up with 'Witchypoo' again?"

Khamul raised his hand, and Sauron clapped him on the shoulder

"We need more humor around" said the Dark Lord "From now on, you're second only to The Witch King."

"What?!" shrieked the Angmarian

Everybody but The Witch King doubled over in laughter

JOE, RUBBER CHICKEN OF THE UNDERWORLD Sauron drummed his fingers on his desk. He hated these early mornings, having to listen to the reports and complaints of all his lieutenants... well, not really complaints. For whatever reason, people seemed to never bring those up. Odd. Another orc walked in, drawing Sauron out of his musings. The orc was Garthog, a sub-director of the Siege Equipment Department, Battering Rams Project Manager. "My Lord Sauron" he said in his gravelly voice "We've tested some focus groups for the name of our new ram. You know, the... Rubber Chicken of the Underworld?" Sauron smiled. Joe, The Rubber Chicken of the Underworld was a sort of pet project. He had named the ram himself."Continue" said the Dark Lord "Well..." said Gorthog, fidgeting a little "They didn't really find the name... terrifying. One guy even laughed." "Well" sighed Sauron "Better slaughter the focus groups and get some new ones..." "Sir..." continued Gorthog, looking very nervous "Have you given any thought to changing the name?" "WHAT?!" screamed Sauron "Well..." squeaked Gorthog "This is going to be our main weapon in the assault against Minas Tirith, and maybe we should choose something a little more... scary..." "What's more scary then a rubber chicken?!" demanded Sauron "Have you ever LOOKED at one of those things? All boneless and floping around... they're terrifying." Sauron shuddered a bit, then stared down his subordinate "Well..." continued Gorthog boldly "The focus groups did suggest some names..." "Such as?!" "Uh... there was..." Gorthog pulled a few papers out of his rusty chain mail "How about Beverly, Slaver of The South?" "No." replied the Dark Lord firmly "Kelly, Overlord of The East?" "No." "Anduril, Flame of The West?" "I think that one's taken." "Luke, the Last of the Jedi?" "The last thing we need before this invasion is copyright trouble" "Jayne, the Hero of Canton?" "That would be a defenite 'no'." "Cuzco, Emperor of the South?" "Are you listening to me??" Gorthog shuffled his papers "There was..." he began "One more name, if you'd like to hear it." "Shoot" said Sauron "Remember that guy you used to work for?" "Yeah..." said Sauron "The one that made those dwarves? What was his name... Able? No... Aaron? No..." "Uh... no, sir. After that. The Dark Lord." "Oh, you mean Morgoth?" Gorgoth nodded slowly "So..." said Sauron "What about him?" "He used to have a hammer, right? Grond, the Hammer of the Underworld?" Sauron put his head in his hands. "Lesson one of being evil" the Dark Lord said, rolling his eyes "Don't rip off of other evil people!" "Sauruman did that with you" "That was different! Sauruman's an imecile, and he's really new at the whole 'evil overlord' stuff." "Yes, sir..." said Gorthog "But think of it this way: We already own the rights to "Grand, Hammer of the Underworld (TM). We would save a fortune in copyright fees, if we just use the same name. Plus, think of how you could bank on the royalties, after we capture Gondor, and all the stores start making little toy "Grond"s. We'd be rich!" Sauron nodded, slowly conceding the point "I like the way you think!" he said "Now go talk to your people and make it happen. Got it?" "Got it. The new ram will be named Grond, the Hammer of the Underworld... (TM)"      Please note that Grond(TM) is a registered trademark of Lord Sauron and Mordor LLC, and is used with expressed permission.