Board Thread:Lore Texts/@comment-30645975-20170530042053/@comment-30079501-20170530192214

Campinator wrote: Reddieeddie wrote: I like both of these, although the second poem seems to have a couple points which (to my ears) don't quite flow right.

And one other thing: Are these texts allowed to break the 4th wall?? Which points? I wrote this at 11 last night, so many fixes are probably due.

I was actually wondering the same thing myself. I could knock off the last stanzas, but that would leave a less dramatic ending (I feel). If it's allowed, I'd prefer to keep it in.

Nothing huge, just a few minor word changes. Tbh, I'd probably make far worse mistakes, if done at that time of night! - The second stanza feels awkward due to the lack of rhyming. ("failed" and "east"). Can't really come up with better words tho. - In the 7th stanza, "toppled" doesn't fit particularly well, in terms of how it sounds. Maybe "attacked" instead? Not quite the same meaning, but you do get the point across. - The 10th stanza. I'm not very knowledgeable about poetry, but the 1st and 3rd lines don't quite seem to fit the meter particularly well. Maybe "on" instead of "upon" (3rd line)? - In the 11th stanza, "heathen" doesn't work very well. Unless I'm reading it wrong, the meter requires some emphasis on the 2nd syllable, which messes with the pronunciation.

Again, some of these may just be me reading it wrong, as I'm no expert on poetry. Either way, hope that helps.

It certainly is a fitting ending to the poem. As for whether it's allowed, I feel like it would be fine if only used rarely. But if it was allowed, then the 4th wall would be constantly broken, I think, and it would lose the unique perspective that it would give if used rarely.