Long have we adherred to the uncompromising teachings of Tolkien. Shall we remain within his thrall, deedless forever, a biased folk, lore-bound, setting vain constraints on the boundless Truth? Have ye not lost your dignity? And what else have ye not lost, cooped here in the narrow place between the paper and his pen? It is now time to examine other points of view. Come away! Let the cowards keep the canon!
Excerpts from The Daily Darkness, Mordorian newspaper during the Watchful Peace:
MORIAN GANG INCIDENT
Gang violence in the mines of Moria is reaching unprecedented levels. 31,28 orcs, a cave troll, the balrog Durinzbain (professor of pyrotechnics in the University of Moria), and a wizard were all killed after a trespassing hobbit knocked a rock onto a Morian citizen. The gang responsible is thought to have been comprised of nine people, although the wizard among them fell into a chasm and is presumed dead. The rest have fled and are at large in the nearby slum of Lothlorien.
FELLOWSHIP STILL AT LARGE
Police from the nearby police station of Dol Guldur attempted to apprehend the criminals responsible for recent Morian gang violence, in their hideout at Lorien, but arrived too late and were forced to retreat with heavy casualties upon being ambushed by an armed elven mob. The offenders were tracked by the nearby police based in Isengard to the Falls of Rauros, where police and gang members clashed in a heated fight. One gang member and 147 police were killed in the incident. Two members of the gang were captured peacefully and are being transported to the police station at Isengard. Five members of the now notorious gang are however still at large.
POLICE OFFICIAL SHOT DOWN
The private vehicle of a senior police officer and chief of N.A.Z.G.U.L. has been discovered shot down near the slum of Lorien. The gang known as the ‘Fellowship’ is blamed for the incident. It is believed that this attack occurred a week ago, but the officer in question is recovering from his near-fatal crash and has not been able to reliable testify as of now. The The two members of the gang captured at the Falls of Rauros are understood to have escaped during transport, and the police station of Isengard has been destroyed. A total of seven of the Fellowship are now known to be on the run, and several are suspected to be on a mission to assassinate the good lord Sauron (may he reign for ever). Descriptions have been attained of the seven surviving members of the gang, who are as follows: five seem to be dwarves or hobbits, and one wears a distinctive gold chain. The two others are tall, one blond and one brown or black-haired. Any sightings of these offenders should be reported to the good lord Sauron (may he live for ever) via his or her regional police station immediately.
N.A.Z.G.U.L. GIVEN DANGEROUS TASK
The special police force (N.A.Z.G.U.L.) has been assigned to the task of apprehending the notorious ‘Fellowship’ gang. Their leader declined to comment on his difficult task, likely still recovering from the vicious attack on his airborne vehicle 2 months ago. The gang is held responsible for several clashes with police, which have left hundreds dead and the department shorthanded.
NEW INFORMATION ON FELLOWSHIP
New information has been compiled by undercover agents about the infamous Fellowship gang. The group’s full name is the Fellowship of the Bling. They worship gold and are now blamed additionally for a string of robberies. The group’s leader is a hobbit. He carries a distinctive gold chain on which is hung a solid gold ring. That ring was stolen from the good lord Sauron (may he live for ever) in a vicious attack that left him severely weakened and with one less finger. Three other hobbits are understood to be in the gang. The gang contains one dwarf, who is known to have torn out an elf's hair in a vicious assault within Lorien. The dwarf comes from the gang-stronghold of Erebor (the site of the Great Massacre) and has on multiple occasions professed his love for gold. There are three men in the gang, two of whom have been killed in clashes with police. All three are known murderers of innocent orkish citizens and one is held to blame for the robbery of a solid gold belt from Lorien. The last member is an elf, believed to be the son of the Mirkwoodian warlord Thranduil, a known racist who is well known for his dispute over the gold of Erebor, genocide of the orkish and arachnid races, and snide contempt of Dwarvisness.
SECRET FELLOWSHIP MEETING UNEARTHED
CCTV footage of a Fellowship meeting has been released to the public, showing among many things a song, which is as follows:
All that is gold ever glitters, but all that we gathered is lost, the poor that were rich do not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the darkness a light shall be woken, and wealth from the ashes shall spring, renewed shall be age that was broken, the bankrupt again shall be bling.
Readers should keep in mind that this crude rhyme is in no way a prophecy and is not to be heeded. Anyone who hears this song should report to his or her regional police station.
GOOD LORD SAURON ASSASSINATED!
CITIZENS ADVISED TO FLEE
The good lord Sauron (may he rest in peace) is presumed dead after a deliberate attack by two members of the Fellowship of the Bling. The two hobbits are thought to have crossed the Gondor/Mordor border illegally. The fugitives had orchestrated a mass slaughter of police at a tower-garrison inside Mordor before stealing explosives and setting off a blast at Barad Dur. The blast toppled the tower, inside of which the good lord Sauron (may he rest in peace) was polishing his collection of kittens. The blast also set off an eruption at Mount Doom, which killed the entire N.A.Z.G.U.L. team after they rushed onto the scene to apprehend the terrorists. At the border several gang-led mobs have grouped together in their hatred of the establishment and have massacred several squadrons of orcs, compromising approximately 120,700 trained individuals. The riots have swept through the Black Gate and are continually lynching, burning, and pillaging. All citizens are strongly advised to flee Mordor immediately, and to mourn our good lord Sauron (may he rest in peace) on the run.