I decided to try some longer pieces of poetry, after writing several mid-length poems (1)(2)(3). These deal with the noble folk of Gondor, and the Rangers, both defending against a great evil.
The first piece is an attempt at a sonnet, I fear I did not use the "correct" meter, but rather made up my own.
#title:A Rider's Sonnet
As I ride upon the hills
Flying past the trees do blur.
Turning calmly, many mills
Convert wind to cloven fir.
Then a long-horn fills the air
Darkened figures sally forth.
Quickly joy turns to despair
I turn my steed to bitter north.
Whipping quick the wind stirs up
Showing Orc-folk drawing near
Holding draughts within their cup
They scurry fast, they know no fear!
Up ahead I spy a towering light
It may hide me for the night!
This next piece is the longest I have ever written, an epic of the hopeless defense of a guard post.
#title:Fall of a Tower
Proud and tall our tower stood
Against the morning sky.
Made of marble, braced with wood
Our spirits rose so high.
As noontide waned we stayed alert
Our courage never ceased.
No trouble we could not avert
We crushed the mighty east.
Yet like the fabled men of old
All wonders soon must end
Not from becoming far too bold
But failing to defend.
The creatures struck within the night
Our men were overrun
But not quietly dies a great might
We fought them, every one.
The scouts were slain with longspear blows
And failed to give a shout
A frightening mob made to enclose
So we could not break out.
Still valiantly we raised our swords
So to our posts arose
We sallied for the great warlords
And in their fear they froze
Then breaking through, we hacked them down
But not without a cost
Those soldiers who brought down their crown
Surely then were lost.
Huddling near we locked our shields,
Prepared to take a stand.
The greatest of the battlefields
Against us now seemed bland.
The Orcs leapt forth with flashing blades
Several kinsmen fell.
But as a whole we were not scathed
No final death-bell's knell
We replied, in turn, with pikes
And slew a mighty host
But some then fell upon foul spikes
Affixed onto a post.
Now halved in size, our band of men
Readied a final strike
Each soldier marked out one heathen
And swore to end his life.
We charged again the warring group
And cut across their path
Slaying most in one fell swoop
That night they felt our wrath.
But after that we couldn't run
We faced impending doom
§o Our time on Middle-earth was done
§0 We thought, within our gloom
The black-folk lost no time at all,
Starting their own huge charge
We, like leaves, began to fall
Against a group so large
So ended a mighty reign
Of one ill-fated tower
We pray we didn't fall in vain
Dear player, use your power!
Though we, the guards, have fallen short
Of saving all the land
Should you happen by this fort
We hope this stirs your hand.
The breath of life is given
From one who's born as king
To one who's barely living,
So to their life they cling.
#(to the tune of "Frere Jacques" [or "Brother John"])
Minas Tirith, Minas Tirith.
Tall and stout! Tall and stout!
Marble walls and steep gates,
Marble walls and steep gates.
Keep orcs out!
Keep orcs out!
Feel free to leave some criticisms, compliments, or thoughts! In particular, what do you think about the break from story at the end of the second poem?
Nothing huge, just a few minor word changes. Tbh, I'd probably make far worse mistakes, if done at that time of night!
- The second stanza feels awkward due to the lack of rhyming. ("failed" and "east"). Can't really come up with better words tho.
- In the 7th stanza, "toppled" doesn't fit particularly well, in terms of how it sounds. Maybe "attacked" instead? Not quite the same meaning, but you do get the point across.
- The 10th stanza. I'm not very knowledgeable about poetry, but the 1st and 3rd lines don't quite seem to fit the meter particularly well. Maybe "on" instead of "upon" (3rd line)?
- In the 11th stanza, "heathen" doesn't work very well. Unless I'm reading it wrong, the meter requires some emphasis on the 2nd syllable, which messes with the pronunciation.
Again, some of these may just be me reading it wrong, as I'm no expert on poetry. Either way, hope that helps.
It certainly is a fitting ending to the poem. As for whether it's allowed, I feel like it would be fine if only used rarely. But if it was allowed, then the 4th wall would be constantly broken, I think, and it would lose the unique perspective that it would give if used rarely.